all along it was about him, me and him. why? who knows , maybe faith. stupidity would others call it , maybe even I. mixed-up feelings. fell in love and in love again, out of love and then in love again. I met others, others who gave me much more than HE ever gave me. then again..it always been about him. i'm not really sure how to feel about it. i'm not even sure that i didn't return to him because i'm feeling lonely. because others couldn't fight back for me. why? i grew oldddddd with him. why? why am i cursed to live alongside his life? why am i returning to him ? why don't i get my OWN life? i deserve someone who can love me and only me, or at least someone who could build me a fence like the abba's used to sing? count to ten....you're ruining the whole thing! snap your fingers and cross your tongue over your teeth, it doesn't make any sense, does it? Well, this too...this " romantic affair " doesn't also. WHY ? everyone told me that my eyes are not wide open. well they were quite open, and what did i remain with ? a holiday in rome and in the other case overprotective bastard, at least this ONE had the courage to tell the truth. hah! even now, after all these years i don't get what i seem to see at him..or saw. headlock or heartlock, call it either way. i'm never going to understand the sense of all this. i'm starting to grow old and it scares me. others have babies and get married. ow, yes..i have my career. :) then again, i don't sleep off the nights with my career ( it would be exciting though, starting to think more and more of it....i'm bad, lily in mud, you're bad, leave A alone) confused mixed up feelings. greener sceneries. you know you're better than this. do I ? maybe i'm overthinking at it too much, maybe ...maybe it was just another in other million flings with one of my ex's. but when i come to think about it....he was never my EX. he was always there, telling me that i would get tired of all the others and i would return to him. the bastard. and the fool. that's me. the fool. i returned. dulling story isn't it? well actually i have lived all my great adventures with him..and it all started with the reflection of the sea in his eyes. the reason. we returned today at the place where it all started. yes. the sea. i was crazy enough to run from work in order to evade. the sea. the smell. the laughs. the bad driver. ( ow, he let me drive :)) ) the place where it all staRTed. and i don't even am a sea person. i rather the mountains . even the fact that i started eating beef instead of fish and chicken is strange to me. i never liked beef. now...it's all i can eat.
it's all wondering around in my head.
best regards
Lily. simple as that. for real life we have visit cards,here i'm just lily.
joi, 11 aprilie 2013
sâmbătă, 2 martie 2013
all along it was a fever....
all along it was a fever....
he said he couldn't emotionally attach to me. Not really sure how to feel about it. He said our relationship was perfect. is not much of a life you're living. round and round and round he comes to my head...wispering to me. he cried after he left back to rome. not really sure how to feel about it. long distance relationship..everyone says it won't work. i'm tired to listen to everybody else. then again, he didn't do EVERYTHING to hold on to me...to us. He lied and i am absolutely convinced he lied to me when he said he doesn't have feelings for me. A man who cries when he leaves is a man with feelings. And i am tired to think what if. he left. he left me. he left us. and i sure miss him. not really sure how to feel about it. what should i do? i still talk to him, he still has OUR pictures posted on facebook, so it isn't another woman involved...then again, why did he leave me? he said we are from two different worlds, but i'll be damned if i wouldn't choose his and leave behind my career. At the end of the day when you return home and you sleep alone, you don't really care that you have acomplished great, or that's how other sees it, great things on your own, without mommy or daddy's or even an old lover's help. ;) it's not much of a life i'm living..round and round i go, now tell me now tell me now what should i do ? 'cause it hurts me a lot.....
he said he couldn't emotionally attach to me. Not really sure how to feel about it. He said our relationship was perfect. is not much of a life you're living. round and round and round he comes to my head...wispering to me. he cried after he left back to rome. not really sure how to feel about it. long distance relationship..everyone says it won't work. i'm tired to listen to everybody else. then again, he didn't do EVERYTHING to hold on to me...to us. He lied and i am absolutely convinced he lied to me when he said he doesn't have feelings for me. A man who cries when he leaves is a man with feelings. And i am tired to think what if. he left. he left me. he left us. and i sure miss him. not really sure how to feel about it. what should i do? i still talk to him, he still has OUR pictures posted on facebook, so it isn't another woman involved...then again, why did he leave me? he said we are from two different worlds, but i'll be damned if i wouldn't choose his and leave behind my career. At the end of the day when you return home and you sleep alone, you don't really care that you have acomplished great, or that's how other sees it, great things on your own, without mommy or daddy's or even an old lover's help. ;) it's not much of a life i'm living..round and round i go, now tell me now tell me now what should i do ? 'cause it hurts me a lot.....
joi, 24 ianuarie 2013
?!?!
Scriu. e 00.30 noaptea, evident ca am deschis locul frustratilor mele desi ..sincer de data asta nici eu nu mai stiu de ce sunt nervoasa..am un iubit care ma asteapta cuminte in pat..am jobul pe care mi l-am dorit, insa eu tot nemultumita sunt. am ajuns la concluzia ca este ceva in neregula cu mine..asta este clar! SUFAR DE GELOZIE CRUNTA. always have. nu suport ideea de a fi pierzatoare. Asta pentru ca fosta sau mai bine zis fostele mele relatii inca ma bantuie..am ramas cu ranile provocate de ele si probabil ca nu am sa ma mai refac niciodata. Nu pot sa mai fiu cea care am fost, sa mai acord incredere deplina. Na, ca era sa scriu atentie..hmm... in fine. nu stiu ce am si de ce reactionez asa. cert este ca nu ma pot stapani. Sursa necazului?
Simplu, mi-a povestit ca s-a intalnit in oras cu o prietena, o veche prietena. L-am intrebat cum arata...raspuns : arata bine. Mi-a povestit, ce statut are, ce masina are..in ce insula exotica si-a facut vacanta, ei bine..mi-a sarit tandara, rau de tot! Nu stiu de ce...nu m-am simtit niciodata sau nu sunt genul care sa ma simt mai prejos decat alte persoane...dar , din curiozitate, a naibii curiozitate, pana la urma ea a omorat pisica nu? ...m-a impins sa intru pe sfantul facebook si sa o caut pe aceasta " veche prietena" ...da, super tipa, asa e! uite ca ma simt mai urata decat asta...ma simt inferioara. poate ca imi face bine sa ma simt inferioara, ca vorba aceea Lucifer din mandrie a fost aruncat din Iad, nu ? DE CE ? imi vine de nervi sa arunc cu laptopul asta de toti peretii!! Si inca nu-mi vine sa cred ca el e ALTFEL....nu pot, nu mi-a dat niciun motiv de suspiciune, dar intotdeauna exista un DACA, nu? in fine...
your truly,
Jealous Lily.
duminică, 28 octombrie 2012
only (in) time
Si nu inteleg nici acum, dupa atata timp de ce ma mai las afectata de el...nu mai inseamna nimic pentru mine ...si totusi chiar si dupa atatia ani atunci cand vrea sa ma atace, loveste la tinta. De ce?
M-am intrebat astazi daca e din gelozie..mi-am raspuns singura ca nu....daca e din frustrare..nicidecum. ce ciudat ..ii priveam ochii in care alta data ma scufundam in azuriul lor, si pluteam spre vise linistite pline de candoare....astazi mi s-au parut cei mai insensibili si apatici ochi, albastrul lor nu mai era albastru, pana si mirosul parfumului lui mi-a provocat greata, as vrea sa dispara, si nu sunt rautacioasa..dar as vrea sa plece departe si sa nu mai trebuiasca vreodata sa-i zambesc frumos, cand in capul meu imi vine sa urlu la el si sa-l numesc nenorocit, pentru ca el asta este, mi-a dovedit-o astazi a mia n-a oara.......am senzatia ca am facut o baie fierbinte si ca m-am spalat de murdaria si mocirla in care am traiat alaturi de el, ironic, nu? tindand cont de numele blogului meu..dar asa ma simt, ma simt curata si parfumata. ma simt usoara , pentru ca mintea si sufletul meu s-au usurat de povara pe care el a adus-o in viata mea. Acum ploua..nu..nu afara , ci in mine , ploua....e o ploaie linistita, de toamna...e o ploaie care prevesteste ca urmeaza sa izvorasca curcubeul mult asteptat, curcubeul meu, care dificl de inteles, insa ..este curcubeul meu si oaza mea de liniste. Este cel care ma asculta si care astazi, 28.10.2012 ma face sa regret enorm,incapatanarea de care am dat dovada si poate imaturitatea de a nu vrea sa ma mut cu el...insa , chiar si acum cerebralitatea mea, imi sopteste, in urechea stanga..ca am procedat corect...dar curcubeul meu curand se va ivi....si va straluci si mai tare decat pana acum..caci, tare dor imi e de el!!!!
yours truly,
M-am intrebat astazi daca e din gelozie..mi-am raspuns singura ca nu....daca e din frustrare..nicidecum. ce ciudat ..ii priveam ochii in care alta data ma scufundam in azuriul lor, si pluteam spre vise linistite pline de candoare....astazi mi s-au parut cei mai insensibili si apatici ochi, albastrul lor nu mai era albastru, pana si mirosul parfumului lui mi-a provocat greata, as vrea sa dispara, si nu sunt rautacioasa..dar as vrea sa plece departe si sa nu mai trebuiasca vreodata sa-i zambesc frumos, cand in capul meu imi vine sa urlu la el si sa-l numesc nenorocit, pentru ca el asta este, mi-a dovedit-o astazi a mia n-a oara.......am senzatia ca am facut o baie fierbinte si ca m-am spalat de murdaria si mocirla in care am traiat alaturi de el, ironic, nu? tindand cont de numele blogului meu..dar asa ma simt, ma simt curata si parfumata. ma simt usoara , pentru ca mintea si sufletul meu s-au usurat de povara pe care el a adus-o in viata mea. Acum ploua..nu..nu afara , ci in mine , ploua....e o ploaie linistita, de toamna...e o ploaie care prevesteste ca urmeaza sa izvorasca curcubeul mult asteptat, curcubeul meu, care dificl de inteles, insa ..este curcubeul meu si oaza mea de liniste. Este cel care ma asculta si care astazi, 28.10.2012 ma face sa regret enorm,incapatanarea de care am dat dovada si poate imaturitatea de a nu vrea sa ma mut cu el...insa , chiar si acum cerebralitatea mea, imi sopteste, in urechea stanga..ca am procedat corect...dar curcubeul meu curand se va ivi....si va straluci si mai tare decat pana acum..caci, tare dor imi e de el!!!!
yours truly,
joi, 25 octombrie 2012
Need you NOW
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
Si ghici ce.....EU una nu te mai inteleg, ah apropo, in cazul in care CHIAR IMI GASESTI BLOGUL si ma desconspiri, sa stii ca am sters deja postarile legate de tine, dar fie...acum scriu pt ca am baut deja aproape o sticla de vin rosu sec si nu ma ia somnul. STII CE? Ar trebui sa sarbatoresc inca un succes pe plan profesional, dar ghici... all means nothing if i ain't got your attention. Cum ar trebui sa te inteleg eu , iubitule cand tu nu vorbesti cu mine? Ce sunt eu pt tine? Iubita premiu de luat prin delegatii? papusa premiu, ca sa iti umple asternuturile in serile lungi si racoroase? Trust me hun, i deserve more than that! Sunt eu mai mica decat tine cu 13 ani, insaaaa, mintea o am de 30 si..ca d'eh sunt produsul realitatii crude in care traiesc, atat de crude, ca mi se strange stomacul cat o ghinda cand ma gandesc cum de m-am lasat DUSA DE VAL a mia oara.....macar ma pot minti singura ca esti un barbat la aproape 40 de ani.. si ca nu am pierdut asa rau...si nu vreun pustan de 20...ca atunci chiar ca onoarea si mandria mea se duceau pe apa sambetei....but everything means nothing...stii ce? M-am indragostit de tine din cauza vulnerabilitatii mele, a nevoii urgente si extreme de afectiune si tandrete...caci pt sex.sa fim seriosi, are balta peste...mai ales pentru o tipa ca mine, asa dezinvolta , aproape androgina si cu toatea astea extrem de frivola in bratele tale.....MA CHINUIESTI, tu iubire......iar eu nu stiu cum sa rezolv situatia, nu de alta, dar asa m-am obisnuit, Lily in Mud saves the day, always, in numerous activities. eh, aici ..de data asta, iubitul meu cu nas acvilin , eu sunt cea care are nevoie sa fie salvata.....
Your lover,
Lily in romantic Mud.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
Si ghici ce.....EU una nu te mai inteleg, ah apropo, in cazul in care CHIAR IMI GASESTI BLOGUL si ma desconspiri, sa stii ca am sters deja postarile legate de tine, dar fie...acum scriu pt ca am baut deja aproape o sticla de vin rosu sec si nu ma ia somnul. STII CE? Ar trebui sa sarbatoresc inca un succes pe plan profesional, dar ghici... all means nothing if i ain't got your attention. Cum ar trebui sa te inteleg eu , iubitule cand tu nu vorbesti cu mine? Ce sunt eu pt tine? Iubita premiu de luat prin delegatii? papusa premiu, ca sa iti umple asternuturile in serile lungi si racoroase? Trust me hun, i deserve more than that! Sunt eu mai mica decat tine cu 13 ani, insaaaa, mintea o am de 30 si..ca d'eh sunt produsul realitatii crude in care traiesc, atat de crude, ca mi se strange stomacul cat o ghinda cand ma gandesc cum de m-am lasat DUSA DE VAL a mia oara.....macar ma pot minti singura ca esti un barbat la aproape 40 de ani.. si ca nu am pierdut asa rau...si nu vreun pustan de 20...ca atunci chiar ca onoarea si mandria mea se duceau pe apa sambetei....but everything means nothing...stii ce? M-am indragostit de tine din cauza vulnerabilitatii mele, a nevoii urgente si extreme de afectiune si tandrete...caci pt sex.sa fim seriosi, are balta peste...mai ales pentru o tipa ca mine, asa dezinvolta , aproape androgina si cu toatea astea extrem de frivola in bratele tale.....MA CHINUIESTI, tu iubire......iar eu nu stiu cum sa rezolv situatia, nu de alta, dar asa m-am obisnuit, Lily in Mud saves the day, always, in numerous activities. eh, aici ..de data asta, iubitul meu cu nas acvilin , eu sunt cea care are nevoie sa fie salvata.....
Your lover,
Lily in romantic Mud.
joi, 24 noiembrie 2011
is this really it ?
Go on and take it ..don't look back at this crumbling fool...
tears are all that i have left right now...still how can you walk away from my tears ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yI5dew2xpeo
Didn't I give it up
Tried my best
Gave you everything I had
Everything and no less
Didn't I do it right?
To let you down
Maybe you got too used to
For having me around
Still how can you walk away
From my tears
It's going to be an empty road
Without me right here
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all with my love
Take it all
Maybe I should leave
To help you see
Nothing is better then this
And this everything we need
So is it over
Is it really
You're giving up so easily,
I thought you loved me more than this,
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all with my love
Take it all
I will change if I must,
Slow it down and bring it home,
I will adjust,
If only you knew,
Everything I do,
Is for you
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all with my love
Take it all
tears are all that i have left right now...still how can you walk away from my tears ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yI5dew2xpeo
Didn't I give it up
Tried my best
Gave you everything I had
Everything and no less
Didn't I do it right?
To let you down
Maybe you got too used to
For having me around
Still how can you walk away
From my tears
It's going to be an empty road
Without me right here
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all with my love
Take it all
Maybe I should leave
To help you see
Nothing is better then this
And this everything we need
So is it over
Is it really
You're giving up so easily,
I thought you loved me more than this,
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all with my love
Take it all
I will change if I must,
Slow it down and bring it home,
I will adjust,
If only you knew,
Everything I do,
Is for you
But go on and take it
Take it all with you
Don't look back
At this crumbling fool
Just take it all with my love
Take it all
luni, 21 noiembrie 2011
speechless
Sunt in fata laptopului meu, este luni..este frig, tocmai m-am intors de la Cluj. M-am intors mai daramata decat am plecat..ce ciudat cum iese adevarul la iveala...sunt socata de faptul ca m-am lasat in asemenea hal prostita de tine...ai fost un vis , te-am iubit prea mult....sunt socata pentru faptul ca te-am iubit pentru sufletul tau bun ca acum sa-0mi dau seama ca am iubit o iluzie. Nu ma socheaza faptul ca ai avut mai multe relatii in paralel, ca m-ai inselat...ma bantuie insa un singu lucru......CUM AI PUTUT sa fii cu o fata 2 ani de zile si in urma mortii ei tragice sa nu iti pese ABSOLUT DELOC....ma socheaza ca mi s-a zis ca sunt varianta ei blonda....dar ea e moarta si te-a iubit tare...iar tu nu ai fost in stare sa te duci la mormantul ei cu un buchet de flori...plang si ma pun in situatia in care eu zaceam moarta in pamant iar iubitul meu se bucura ca ca nu a fost cu mine in masina ....cum este posbil asa ceva ? Cum? Ma socheaza sa aflu cat de rece esti cu adevarat...ma socheaza sa-mi dau seama ca am trait cu un Monstru !!!!! Esti un monstru....m-ai folosit pana la ultima picatura...m-ai secat de tot.....si mi-e frig sufleteste, pentru ca sunt vestejita si lipsita de caldura sufleteasca, de ce ?
Nici macar sa ma razbun pe tine nu pot......as putea sa fac sa te doara rau de tot....dar pentru ce...tu oricum nu vei intelege niciodata nimic. As da orice , sa ma intorc in trecut si sa rad din nou de candidatul care promitea ca el da totul daca-i dai votul...:) pai, eu ti-am dat votul....tu mi-ai dat totul ...? Nu mi-ai dat nimic, ai luat in schimb....m-ai secat de iubire......"eu dau totul tu dai votul...." frumos....te urasc si vreau sa uit ca existi ! ( Dumnezeu sa o ierte pe acea fata care a murit iubind acest monstru...)
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