chaotic thoughts of a late autumn morning.

it seems to me that i should write how i feel.
1. chaotic
2. agitated
3. nervous
4. embarassed

hm, that doesn't sound too well, does it ? well, perhaps i must have done something wrong as always.
then again, who are you people to judge ?
why talking behind my back ?

i know i'll enter the line once again and i know i'll be ok once more. now i'm not. i need a fresh start and autumn always and always gave me that. it's kind of chilly outside my feet are cold i never wear socks. it's friday and it's my last day at home. from monday i'm going back to work. i've missed it and still had only 10 days to rest. so what? i need going to work i love my job and last night i had a great revelation, i love my boss. not in a romantic way of course, but i love the fact that even though he mistreated me sometimes at least, i can learn a lot of great things from him. he once told me that one should never mix love affairs with other affairs. i couldn't say anything i know he was right and i was continuously living in a big fat mistake. he was right. after all these months i returned somehow to living in mud. and i choked.

they say i became emancipated and i'm good-looking and smart. so what? it feeds my ego , then again, so what? i'm linked to a man that treats me like his own toy. mmm, well done Lily, so smart. so, so smart. i'm feeling tired in taking out for myself. where the hell is that man that should take out for me?
Now, i'm not really sure that he exists.
the portrait of my perfect man : not good looking, extremely smart , funny, financial strength, fatherly sometimes, good lover , good listener, great kisser, full of surprises, older than me (it's a must, and 3 or 4 years it doesn't count) spontaneous and the last but not least by far, should love me as i am with good and bad. now, tell me, does a man like this exists? if yes, please send him my business card, tell him i grew old waiting for such a specimen.


Lily in Mud.