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vineri, 6 septembrie 2013

chaotic thoughts of a late autumn morning.

it seems to me that i should write how i feel.
1. chaotic
2. agitated
3. nervous
4. embarassed

hm, that doesn't sound too well, does it ? well, perhaps i must have done something wrong as always.
then again, who are you people to judge ?
why talking behind my back ?

i know i'll enter the line once again and i know i'll be ok once more. now i'm not. i need a fresh start and autumn always and always gave me that. it's kind of chilly outside my feet are cold i never wear socks. it's friday and it's my last day at home. from monday i'm going back to work. i've missed it and still had only 10 days to rest. so what? i need going to work i love my job and last night i had a great revelation, i love my boss. not in a romantic way of course, but i love the fact that even though he mistreated me sometimes at least, i can learn a lot of great things from him. he once told me that one should never mix love affairs with other affairs. i couldn't say anything i know he was right and i was continuously living in a big fat mistake. he was right. after all these months i returned somehow to living in mud. and i choked.

they say i became emancipated and i'm good-looking and smart. so what? it feeds my ego , then again, so what? i'm linked to a man that treats me like his own toy. mmm, well done Lily, so smart. so, so smart. i'm feeling tired in taking out for myself. where the hell is that man that should take out for me?
Now, i'm not really sure that he exists.
the portrait of my perfect man : not good looking, extremely smart , funny, financial strength, fatherly sometimes, good lover , good listener, great kisser, full of surprises, older than me (it's a must, and 3 or 4 years it doesn't count) spontaneous and the last but not least by far, should love me as i am with good and bad. now, tell me, does a man like this exists? if yes, please send him my business card, tell him i grew old waiting for such a specimen.


Lily in Mud.

duminică, 1 septembrie 2013

IMPOSSIBLE

" if you're done embarrasing me, you can tell them i was happy and now my heart is broken all my scars are open " 


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01.09. 2013 - paradox, am scris acum cateva zile despre tie si despre noi. iar acum scriu cum s-a terminat , cum tu ai decis sa arunci cei 4 ani PARADOXAL in mare...locul unde m-ai facut sa ma indragostesc de tine. Am o vanataie pe mana, da..e de la tine , dar stii ce? sufletul meu e negru de cicatricile pe care mi le-ai provocat. ma simt mutilata. te-am intrebat daca tii la mine, daca m-ai iubit vreodata , mi-ai zis da. MINTI ! da, stiu...esti suparat pe mine. eu te intreb : CUM DE NU ESTI SUPARAT PE TINE ? cum?????? cum de nu iti e rusine pentru ce ai facut ? ..........................................................................................................................................................

m-am saturat sa plang din cauza ta. nici nu mai vreau sa vorbesc, desi ma doare, vorba cantecului " now it's history. i played all my cards and that's what you've done too "


DE CE ?

MERIT ???

eu inca incerc sa ma consolez ca undeva in interiorul tau murdar si egocentrist , ai tinut la mine....nu sunt convinsa. Daca tineai la mine, aveai grija de mine. Nu ai facut-o. Daca ma iubeai , de abia ai fi asteptat sa stai cu mine, sa dormi cu mine....de ce ai renuntat la mine asa usor ? ma simt azvarlita la cosul de gunoi. si nu MERIIIIIITTTTTTTT ! Imi zici ca am luat-o razna ...M-AI RANIT SI MA DOARE RAU DE TOT. am senzatia ca sunt taiata pe viu.......m-ai lasat singura.....CAND EU AVEAM NEVOIE DE TINE. de ce?


ce paradox...am sfarsit in locul unde a inceput. probabil ca toata viata imi voi aduce aminte de scoala de vara, locul unde am fost cea mai fericita si cea mai trista. ma faci sa te urasc , defapt incerc sa te urasc si NU POT. NICI MACAR ATAT NU SUNT IN STARE......SA TE URASC. imi doresc sa transform iubirea pe care o port cu mine in ura. As vrea sa te uit. am zis-o de o mie de ori. ma doare. ma doare rau iar pe tine te lasa rece durerea mea. Ai preferat sa stai cu oamenii care te-ar trada la prima bataie de vant. dar si ce daca? de ce ar trebui sa ma intereseze ?


nu e corect...mi-ai luat tot...nu intelegi ca eu prin relatia noastra respiram ? Ti se pare ca duc vreo viata prea fericita? TU ai tot ce iti trebuie....EU nu mai am NIMIC...datorita tie....multumesc, merit, merit pentru ca te-am iubit prea mult.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lefGrqcC1A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lefGrqcC1A