You can only reach perfection only by knowing imperfection.

Plumb, asta simt acum...si nu intr-un stil bacovian. Simt plumb in privire si in suflet. Ma simt grea, atat de grea incat de abia ma pot misca, sau cel putin asta e senzatia in interiorul meu...

Intotdeauna m-am retras aici pentru a-mi picta viata in cuvinte si expresii, nu stiu daca am fost intotdeauna concisa sau coerenta, stiu doar ca as vrea sa explic cat mai bine ce traiesc . Vorba unui prieten, nu am cum sa fiu obsinuita pentru ca sunt de-a dreptul extraordinara. Si nu pentru ca fac ceva anume,ci pentru ca traiesc intr-un mod la care putini se pricep. Spontana. Ma descrie cel mai bine. 
Zilele trecute am incercat sa fiu spontana, am mimat...spontaneitatea, pentru ca mi-am dat seama ca partenerul meu de joaca lipsea. In fata mea se regasea o prada pe care am devorat-o prea repede. Si nici macar nu mi-a hranit foamea care urla inauntrul meu....e ca si cum i-ai da unui leu de mancare o vrabiuta. Asa ma simt.....am mimat, tot ce se putea mima. Cred ca sunt buna la mima. 
Sunt foarte dezorientata. Nu m-am mai simtit de  mult asa. It's a pretty damn chaotic world we're living in. Cica lumea este asa cum ti-o construiesti sa fie...poate, nu pot sa contrazic. Insa, mi-am dat seama ca ma transform fara sa vreau. Nici macar nu mai stiu cum sunt eu defapt. Cum sunt eu cand sunt fara el ? Cum sunt eu cand sunt cu el ? Cum sunt eu pe strada ? Sau cum sunt eu in casa...Nu-mi dau seama. Toate mi se par aparente e ca un voal atat de fin incat nu-l pot strange in mana...pentru ca aluneca.
Iar vine iarna....urasc iarna mai mult decat orice anotimp. Paradoxal, anotimpul copilariei mele. Mi-aduc aminte si acum cum ma trezeam din somn cand dormeam la bunica mea acasa doar ca sa ma uit la fulgii de nea care imi acopereau cu liniste sufletul si tara. Acum...urasc sa fie iarna. Iarna ma simt cel mai singura. Toata lumea iarna se retrage in barlogul lui, numai eu nu mai am un barlog al meu. Momentul de tranzitie intre iarna copilariei , iarna cu parintii si cadourile puse de ei sub brad si iarna petrecuta cu acel cineva. Pentru mine e de neconceput cum iar voi fi singura...anul trecut cred ca a fost primul an in care nu mi-am petrecut new year's eve singura....dar uite ca e exact ce scriam mai sus, voal fin pe care nu il pot tine strans in pumni..pentru ca aluneca si il ia vantul....urasc iarna.
Apoi mai e si presiunea pe care oamenii din jurul meu o pun deasupra capului meu. Da, imbatranesc. DA, tineretea mea se duce. am 25 de ani dar si ce daca? Nu mai sunt sigura nici mcar de cariera pe care incerc sa mi-o construiesc...pentru ca nu am pe cineva care sa ma sustina din toate punctele de vedere. Am sters ce voiam sa scriu, poate ca mi-e frica sa scriu ca defapt am nevoie de cineva puternic financiar langa mine. Nu ma regasesc langa oameni mediocri. Nu m-am regasit niciodata si nu pentru ca eu provin dintr-o familie potenta financiar, nicidecum. Ci pentru ca imi place viata buna si imi plac beneficiile pe care banii ti-i aduc. Da, e trist sa spun asta, tocmai eu, cea care sustinea cu surle si trambite ca femeia trebuie sa fie independenta. Ei, uite ca o femeie fara un barbat puternic nu poate fi independenta. Sau poate...but in misery. Iar eu nu-mi doresc asta. Dimineata in drum spre birou vad cupluri care merg impreuna cu metroul ( da, mai nou circul cu metroul...) , nu ma vad asa...par fericiti. insa eu nu ma vad mergand cu iubitul meu in metrou. Poate suna penibil ce zic, dar asa e...nu ma vad genul ala. Nu ma vad gatind acasa doar ca sa mananc, ador sa gatesc...dar nu ma vad gatind acasa doar pentru ca nu ne permitem sa iesim la un restaurant bun. Nu ma intereseaza cum ma vei critica, tu cititorule, daca ma citesti. Ma intereseaza sa aflu raspunul la o intrebare foarte simpla : cum poate o femeie draguta ( unii sustin cu tarie ca sunt frumoasa) , eu sunt realista,sunt o femeie care il are pe acel je ne sais quoi, nu sunt extraordinar de frumoasa , dar stiu sa fac barbatii sa intoarca capul pe strada dupa mine. Revenind, cum poate o persoana ca mine sa nu gaseasca pe cineva asa cum imi doresc? Cum? Cred ca va ramane fara raspuns intrebarea asta.....

A voastra,
Lily in Mud

new entry

New entry. suna ciudat , dar asta este, hes a new entry for me. contrar tuturor dorintelor mele si a asteptarilor mele am ales sa date a youngster. :)) ce ciudat...ma simt batrana, ma simt mult mai batrana cu el. si totusi, o diferenta de 3 ani nu e asa mare, nu ?
Am ales sa ma las purtata de un imbold, i always do. ciudat. poate e ce aveam nevoie , a buffer zone. corect, " bebe " reprezinta my buffer zone. ah, asa il alint :)) bebe. e mic. foarte tanar.....si totusi ..........

chaotic thoughts of a late autumn morning.

it seems to me that i should write how i feel.
1. chaotic
2. agitated
3. nervous
4. embarassed

hm, that doesn't sound too well, does it ? well, perhaps i must have done something wrong as always.
then again, who are you people to judge ?
why talking behind my back ?

i know i'll enter the line once again and i know i'll be ok once more. now i'm not. i need a fresh start and autumn always and always gave me that. it's kind of chilly outside my feet are cold i never wear socks. it's friday and it's my last day at home. from monday i'm going back to work. i've missed it and still had only 10 days to rest. so what? i need going to work i love my job and last night i had a great revelation, i love my boss. not in a romantic way of course, but i love the fact that even though he mistreated me sometimes at least, i can learn a lot of great things from him. he once told me that one should never mix love affairs with other affairs. i couldn't say anything i know he was right and i was continuously living in a big fat mistake. he was right. after all these months i returned somehow to living in mud. and i choked.

they say i became emancipated and i'm good-looking and smart. so what? it feeds my ego , then again, so what? i'm linked to a man that treats me like his own toy. mmm, well done Lily, so smart. so, so smart. i'm feeling tired in taking out for myself. where the hell is that man that should take out for me?
Now, i'm not really sure that he exists.
the portrait of my perfect man : not good looking, extremely smart , funny, financial strength, fatherly sometimes, good lover , good listener, great kisser, full of surprises, older than me (it's a must, and 3 or 4 years it doesn't count) spontaneous and the last but not least by far, should love me as i am with good and bad. now, tell me, does a man like this exists? if yes, please send him my business card, tell him i grew old waiting for such a specimen.


Lily in Mud.

IMPOSSIBLE

" if you're done embarrasing me, you can tell them i was happy and now my heart is broken all my scars are open " 

...................................................................................................................................................................

01.09. 2013 - paradox, am scris acum cateva zile despre tie si despre noi. iar acum scriu cum s-a terminat , cum tu ai decis sa arunci cei 4 ani PARADOXAL in mare...locul unde m-ai facut sa ma indragostesc de tine. Am o vanataie pe mana, da..e de la tine , dar stii ce? sufletul meu e negru de cicatricile pe care mi le-ai provocat. ma simt mutilata. te-am intrebat daca tii la mine, daca m-ai iubit vreodata , mi-ai zis da. MINTI ! da, stiu...esti suparat pe mine. eu te intreb : CUM DE NU ESTI SUPARAT PE TINE ? cum?????? cum de nu iti e rusine pentru ce ai facut ? ..........................................................................................................................................................

m-am saturat sa plang din cauza ta. nici nu mai vreau sa vorbesc, desi ma doare, vorba cantecului " now it's history. i played all my cards and that's what you've done too "


DE CE ?

MERIT ???

eu inca incerc sa ma consolez ca undeva in interiorul tau murdar si egocentrist , ai tinut la mine....nu sunt convinsa. Daca tineai la mine, aveai grija de mine. Nu ai facut-o. Daca ma iubeai , de abia ai fi asteptat sa stai cu mine, sa dormi cu mine....de ce ai renuntat la mine asa usor ? ma simt azvarlita la cosul de gunoi. si nu MERIIIIIITTTTTTTT ! Imi zici ca am luat-o razna ...M-AI RANIT SI MA DOARE RAU DE TOT. am senzatia ca sunt taiata pe viu.......m-ai lasat singura.....CAND EU AVEAM NEVOIE DE TINE. de ce?


ce paradox...am sfarsit in locul unde a inceput. probabil ca toata viata imi voi aduce aminte de scoala de vara, locul unde am fost cea mai fericita si cea mai trista. ma faci sa te urasc , defapt incerc sa te urasc si NU POT. NICI MACAR ATAT NU SUNT IN STARE......SA TE URASC. imi doresc sa transform iubirea pe care o port cu mine in ura. As vrea sa te uit. am zis-o de o mie de ori. ma doare. ma doare rau iar pe tine te lasa rece durerea mea. Ai preferat sa stai cu oamenii care te-ar trada la prima bataie de vant. dar si ce daca? de ce ar trebui sa ma intereseze ?


nu e corect...mi-ai luat tot...nu intelegi ca eu prin relatia noastra respiram ? Ti se pare ca duc vreo viata prea fericita? TU ai tot ce iti trebuie....EU nu mai am NIMIC...datorita tie....multumesc, merit, merit pentru ca te-am iubit prea mult.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lefGrqcC1A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lefGrqcC1A

27.08.2013

4 YEARS. it's almost 12 o'clock and i remember all these years that passed aways , they're like yesterday's glimpse.

it's all about faith and i know it by heart. it's all been destined to happen. it's been written that we should meet. 4 years .  contradictions take place in my mind , and a storm is leading me to absolute nowhere. i never meant to live like this, then again how should i describe the fact that we're still here ? 4 years. he consumes me with love. anger. anxiety.  it's been written for us and i know it by fact.  robbie williams, red wine, forest - the green above the brown below, waves , sea..you me. hate and love , uncertain protection.

" te vei plictisi de mine in weekend "

" nu am sa ma plictisesc niciodata de tine ...nu m-am plictisit in 4 ani  "

TE Iubesc si asta e tot ce conteaza.

La multi ani noua, iepurasule!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luwAMFcc2f8

hollow

there are times when everything it's ok and times , like these hard to live with. Indeed. There are too many questions to be asked and so little answers to be given. For example : where did i go wrong in my personal life? answer : ....pending....       or, where did i go wrong at my job ? answer : feelings should not get into. yesss, i so fuckin know the theory , but so what ? now i'm asking myself what the **** should i do ? should i stay and let my ego be torn apart or should i leave ? i'm tired to find myself always in situations like these. and by the way, i won't complain regarding the fact that i'm passing through difficulties , although i sure need a button to press " pause "  sometimes. Returning to the other question, well.....let's say that i do not learn from mistakes, or better let's say that i shut off my mind when i do these mistakes, and he might actually be the mistake of my life. On the other hand , i know i'm difficult to be understood and by the time passes away i feel drawn into the hollow. where there's no hope nor light, where there're no feelings where there's only darkness , where me myself and i have the time to debate whether to go on like this or not. The beauty in it stands at the simple fact that i can always take another course and change entirely the perception of life.....si da, am aberat din nou, probabil ca de la caldura sau de la cele 16 ore dormite. i really don't care






Hollow Lily

sono troppo distratto...

Mi manchi....................

never ending story.

all along it was about him, me and him. why? who knows , maybe faith. stupidity would others call it , maybe even I. mixed-up feelings. fell in love and in love again, out of love and then in love again. I met others, others who gave me much more than HE ever gave me. then again..it always been about him. i'm not really sure how to feel about it. i'm not even sure that i didn't return to him because i'm feeling lonely. because others couldn't fight back for me. why? i grew oldddddd with him. why? why am i cursed to live alongside his life? why am i returning to him ? why don't i get my OWN life? i deserve someone who can love me and only me, or at least someone who could build me a fence like the abba's used to sing? count to ten....you're ruining the whole thing! snap your fingers and cross your tongue over your teeth, it doesn't make any sense, does it? Well, this too...this  " romantic affair " doesn't also. WHY ? everyone told me that my eyes are not wide open. well they were quite open, and what did i remain with ? a holiday in rome and in the other case overprotective bastard, at least this ONE had the courage to tell the truth. hah! even now, after all these years i don't get what i seem to see at him..or saw.  headlock or heartlock, call it either way. i'm never going to understand the sense of all this. i'm starting to grow old and it scares me. others have babies and get married. ow, yes..i have my career. :)  then again, i don't sleep off the nights with my career ( it would be exciting though, starting to think more and more of it....i'm bad, lily in mud, you're bad, leave A alone) confused mixed up feelings. greener sceneries. you know you're better than this. do I ? maybe i'm overthinking at it too much, maybe ...maybe it was just another in other million flings with one of my ex's. but when i come to think about it....he was never my EX. he was always there, telling me that i would get tired of all the others and i would return to him. the bastard. and the fool. that's me. the fool. i returned. dulling story isn't it? well actually i have lived all my great adventures with him..and it all started with the reflection of the sea in his eyes. the reason. we returned today at the place where it all started. yes. the sea. i was crazy enough to run from work in order to evade. the sea. the smell. the laughs. the bad driver. ( ow, he let me drive :)) ) the place where it all staRTed. and i don't even am a sea person. i rather the mountains . even the fact that i started eating beef instead of fish and chicken is strange to me. i never liked beef. now...it's all i can eat.
it's all wondering around in my head.

best regards

Lily. simple as that. for real life we have visit cards,here i'm just lily.

all along it was a fever....

all along it was a fever....

he said he couldn't emotionally attach to me. Not really sure how to feel about it. He said our relationship was perfect. is not much of a life you're living. round and round and round he comes to my head...wispering to me. he cried after he left back to rome. not really sure how to feel about it. long distance relationship..everyone says it won't work. i'm tired to listen to everybody else. then again, he didn't do EVERYTHING to hold on to me...to us. He lied  and i am absolutely convinced he lied to me when he said he doesn't have feelings for me. A man who cries when he leaves is a man with feelings. And i am tired to think what if. he left. he left me. he left us. and i sure miss him. not really sure how to feel about it. what should i do?  i still talk to him, he still has OUR pictures posted on facebook, so it isn't another woman involved...then again, why did he leave me? he said we are from two different worlds, but i'll be damned if i wouldn't choose his and leave behind my career. At the end of the day when you return home and you sleep alone, you don't really care that you have acomplished great, or that's how other sees it, great things on your own, without mommy or daddy's or even an old lover's help. ;) it's not much of a life i'm living..round and round i go, now tell me now tell me now what should i do ? 'cause it hurts me a lot.....

?!?!

Scriu. e 00.30 noaptea, evident ca am deschis locul frustratilor mele desi ..sincer de data asta nici eu nu mai stiu de ce sunt nervoasa..am un iubit care ma asteapta cuminte in pat..am jobul pe care mi l-am dorit, insa eu tot nemultumita sunt. am ajuns la concluzia ca este ceva in neregula cu mine..asta este clar! SUFAR DE GELOZIE CRUNTA. always have. nu suport ideea de a fi pierzatoare. Asta pentru ca fosta sau mai bine zis fostele mele relatii inca ma bantuie..am ramas cu ranile provocate de ele si probabil ca nu am sa ma mai refac niciodata. Nu pot sa mai fiu cea care am fost, sa mai acord incredere deplina. Na, ca era sa scriu atentie..hmm... in fine. nu stiu ce am si de ce reactionez asa. cert este ca nu ma pot stapani. Sursa necazului?

Simplu, mi-a povestit ca s-a intalnit in oras cu o prietena, o veche prietena. L-am intrebat cum arata...raspuns : arata bine. Mi-a povestit, ce statut are, ce masina are..in ce insula exotica si-a facut vacanta, ei bine..mi-a sarit tandara, rau de tot! Nu stiu de ce...nu m-am simtit niciodata sau nu sunt genul care sa ma simt mai prejos decat alte persoane...dar , din curiozitate, a naibii curiozitate, pana la urma ea a omorat pisica nu? ...m-a impins sa intru pe sfantul facebook si sa o caut pe aceasta " veche prietena" ...da, super tipa, asa e! uite ca ma simt mai urata decat asta...ma simt inferioara. poate ca imi face bine sa ma simt inferioara, ca vorba aceea Lucifer din mandrie a fost aruncat din Iad, nu ? DE CE ? imi vine de nervi sa arunc cu laptopul asta de toti peretii!! Si inca nu-mi vine sa cred ca el e ALTFEL....nu pot, nu mi-a dat niciun motiv de suspiciune, dar intotdeauna exista un DACA, nu? in fine...

your truly, 

Jealous Lily.